tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
