I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
