My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
