Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
