My underwear smells like fireworks.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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