i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
is wine microwaveable?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
