Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
