she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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