I think I won the penis lottery.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I can't turn off my feet"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize