I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
