The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
