i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
