you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
