Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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