my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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