what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
