I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
then he tried to convert me to islam
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
