I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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