a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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