I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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