so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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