Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
