this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
