I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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