Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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