a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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