you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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