sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I need water and some morals
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
