so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
