i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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