i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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