Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
