I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
