Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize