I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize