Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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