Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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