i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
