I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
