mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
