Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
People in love make me want to vomit
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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