I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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