she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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