I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
