you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
