I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
