Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
