I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
