i need an iv and a liver transplant
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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