well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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