soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
