I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
