I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
