He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
