Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You've changed since you got that strap on
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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