im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
