i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
