I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
