We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
