You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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